June 10, 2004

There are over 374 theatre companies in the greater Bay Area. If each company produces just four plays a year, that's 1,496 productions. Statistically speaking, if five percent are completely unbearable, you have the opportunity to witness (or create) at least 75 bad shows a year.

Producing great theater can inspire and transform an audience, but it's not easy. Yet a bad production is often just as memorable. Who doesn't get a delicious thrill at watching something go terribly awry? Authentic schizophrenia in the middle of the ghost scene in "Hamlet," an actor refusing to come on stage, miscued sound effects, lights gone dark, costumes unraveling behind the hero, "dead" characters in a coughing fit -- some of the most savory chatter between theater aficionados concerns those very moments.

A friend relates an anecdote about a Juliet who, after an unfortunate tryst with some bad clam chowder, vomited on stage just before the balcony scene. Romeo continued to play the scene as both characters, scrambling up the trellis to deliver her lines in falsetto.

When I performed in "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat," we strapped on roller skates for a fast-paced ensemble number on a diminutive in-the-round stage. I go-goed down the aisle and right into a first row audience member. My costume sleeve caught in one skate and I collapsed into the older man's lap, much like a tied hog, until several cast members extracted me. I'm sure I made the performance unforgettable.

While there is no strict recipe, by following these simple guidelines your theater disaster can be as tasty as a triumph.

1. Find a production staff worthy of a "Survivor" episode. The staff should lack interpersonal skills. Select directors who are defensive and given to hysteria. An ideal musical director will speak entirely in metaphor and change key signature and tempo at each rehearsal. For your choreographer, choose a bitter ballerina. Do not give this motley crew a chance to communicate and compromise. Meetings should be scheduled at the least convenient time possible.
2. Offend your audience. Choose controversial dramatic literature whenever possible (sex, violence, religion). If your cast members won't agree to graphic sexual representation, at least keep them on stage, naked, for as long as possible. Get audience members to leave before intermission and you're on the way to infamy!
3. Cast lead actors based entirely on nepotistic merit. Keep them on book (to avoid memorizing lines) as long as possible. If they can't do a Brooklyn or British dialect, use both. And remember, bad chemistry is unforgettable.
4. Construct costumes carelessly. Cumbersome zippers, buttons and ribbons will make quick changes impossible. Loose stitching is encouraged, particularly in pants seams. Avoid flattering figures -- no waistlines!
5. Create technical mayhem. IMPORTANT: Do not test special effects until dress rehearsal. Design lighting to blow all fuses within a four-block radius. Do not comply with safety codes.
6. Use animals. Make sure any creature you incorporate is nervous around crowds and children. Arrange for only the most incontinent livestock. Nothing fizzles a finale like a fresh pile of manure downstage.
7. Use food. Eating can render an actor dry-mouthed and even choke them. Anything that has the potential to be lodged in an actor's front teeth is also recommended.
8. Use mimes. Everyone loves to hate a mime.